I have realized that my greatest fear being a gay male is not what anyone will think of my sexuality, but my biggest fear is ending up old and alone. It's a fear that so many of my other friends share (especially those single) with me as well. This fear has given me insight as of recent as to the person I am and the mindset I've had about relationships over the years.
I've been someone that has needed to be in a relationship, apart of a unit in someway to avoid being alone and having to deal with myself. I've used past relationships as a crutch in away to not walk away from a situation (relationship) that may have not been the best for me on the simple purpose of having someone there. Someone to call my own no matter how fucked up the person may have been.
What has taken me twenty-six years to finally accept (I had realized it long ago) is that my impatient nature and my need to be with someone is only going to ensure that I don't meet the one that was made for me, the one that's waiting for me. What I've accepted is the fact that it takes time and a lot of energy to get yourself right so you can be right for the person that is waiting on you.
I like so many people want love and want to be in love, but I want it to be right. I want to be with someone that's going to love me as much as I love them. I've been in those one way street relationships where you're doing so much for the other person and ensuring their well being that you forget self. I've realized that it's a package deal, when you're not looking out for yourself your partner needs to be doing that for you. Ensuring that your needs are met as you ensure theirs are.
So me being alone is a chance for me to work on myself, but not only that to really work on knowing what it is and who it is that I want to be in my life on that level. I want a partner in every since of the word. I want something that rings true as 50/50. I want someone that's as concerned with my feelings, needs, wants, desires, goals and dreams as I am with there.
What I've realized is that it's okay to be alone and wait for it to come. I've also realized (although hard) that I might not get that. I might be alone for a while or forever. But I shouldn't waste my time playing around with something that I know is not going to lead anywhere. I learned that sometimes being alone means accepting your own truth. That being alone means you have to look at yourself each day and say that tomorrow is a new one. Being alone I realized takes faith in knowing that God has a plan for you and even though it may run opposite to what you wanted it will always work out.
So now I enjoy my alone time. My alone time to quietly (or not so quietly) work on myself while the person that I'm made for is hopefully out there working on themselves as well. So when the day comes that God brings us into each other's lives we'll both be ready and then we can look back on our alone time and think fondly that we took that time to get ourselves together...alone!
