I AM

Relationships: My Biggest Fear - Being Alone

2008-10-07T21:39:00.003-07:00

I have realized that my greatest fear being a gay male is not what anyone will think of my sexuality, but my biggest fear is ending up old and alone. It's a fear that so many of my other friends share (especially those single) with me as well. This fear has given me insight as of recent as to the person I am and the mindset I've had about relationships over the years.

I've been someone that has needed to be in a relationship, apart of a unit in someway to avoid being alone and having to deal with myself. I've used past relationships as a crutch in away to not walk away from a situation (relationship) that may have not been the best for me on the simple purpose of having someone there. Someone to call my own no matter how fucked up the person may have been.

What has taken me twenty-six years to finally accept (I had realized it long ago) is that my impatient nature and my need to be with someone is only going to ensure that I don't meet the one that was made for me, the one that's waiting for me. What I've accepted is the fact that it takes time and a lot of energy to get yourself right so you can be right for the person that is waiting on you.

I like so many people want love and want to be in love, but I want it to be right. I want to be with someone that's going to love me as much as I love them. I've been in those one way street relationships where you're doing so much for the other person and ensuring their well being that you forget self. I've realized that it's a package deal, when you're not looking out for yourself your partner needs to be doing that for you. Ensuring that your needs are met as you ensure theirs are.

So me being alone is a chance for me to work on myself, but not only that to really work on knowing what it is and who it is that I want to be in my life on that level. I want a partner in every since of the word. I want something that rings true as 50/50. I want someone that's as concerned with my feelings, needs, wants, desires, goals and dreams as I am with there.

What I've realized is that it's okay to be alone and wait for it to come. I've also realized (although hard) that I might not get that. I might be alone for a while or forever. But I shouldn't waste my time playing around with something that I know is not going to lead anywhere. I learned that sometimes being alone means accepting your own truth. That being alone means you have to look at yourself each day and say that tomorrow is a new one. Being alone I realized takes faith in knowing that God has a plan for you and even though it may run opposite to what you wanted it will always work out.

So now I enjoy my alone time. My alone time to quietly (or not so quietly) work on myself while the person that I'm made for is hopefully out there working on themselves as well. So when the day comes that God brings us into each other's lives we'll both be ready and then we can look back on our alone time and think fondly that we took that time to get ourselves together...alone!

Relationships: Time

2008-04-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

As I get older my decision making skills when it comes to dipping out of a bad situation as far as dating is concerned has become more finely tuned. Also as I get older for me it becomes more apparent what it is that I want from a relationship and in a perspective partner. Gone are the days of the indecisiveness and apprehensiveness. Things for me are much more clear cut and to the point. I don't linger in wonderment for the person that I am talking with to make the next move or decision. I know right away if the relationship is going somewhere or if it's at a stall.

Recent dates have showed me that dudes that I've talked to are very much unsure of what they want or they are under the impression that something better or more fitting for them may come along. All of this is true, but what I don't understand is why people find it okay to waste their time and another persons time if they are pretty sure that it's not going to work. What I've learned is that you can't wait or expect someone to tell you that it's not going to go in the direction that either of you had hoped.

Certain signs for me when talking to someone that it's just died is if something changes in the way they communicate with me. If we go from conversing three or four times a day and then all of a sudden we talk once in a week then it's time for us to see what's up. If their only response is they've been busy with no explanation then I need to get like Ray Charles and "...hit the road."

A lot of people say that I don't give people enough time - but guess what - I've only got so much and I don't know when my clock is going to expire. I always remind people that life is way too short and much too important to waste one moment in a situation that you know is not right or not progressing the way that you know it should or could. Things can only go as far as both people want them and if one person is putting up a stop sign while you're trying to proceed ahead you need to make your way to that person who is holding the same sign as you! Go forward and grab onto life.

Relationships: True Friends

2008-03-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a young child my parents and grandparents have preached to me the value and the importance of true friendships. My father would always tell me that you have to know who are true friends and those that are fairweather friends. My father characterized fairweather friends as those people that always want to be around you when things are going great and there's no bumps in the road. Sort of like when the weather is beautiful, the skies are clear and sunny, but once that storm cloud comes they are nowhere in sight.

I've made 2008 the year of clearing those types of friends and relationships out of my life. You can love people but know that they may not have your best interest at heart. What I've learned is that a lot of people that I considered friends are truly selfish people with their own self-interest at heart. Some are leeches and they use up your energy and kindness to propel them to the next level without adding (depositing) anything to your life that may help you or motivate you to that next level. Those types of people are not the type of people you want in your life and they will do what they can to take from you and milk you of all your positive resources and once they're done

I've made it a point recently to listen intently to what my friends say in regards to my life and how they say it. There have been a couple of friends that have tried to block me from being the best me that I can be by making snide comments or not giving the support that I deem a friend should give. My philosophy has always been if you don't wish the best for your friends than you're not a friend at all. That's why it's important for people to not allow someone to prevent you from being the best you that you can be. There are too many haters out there and a lot of them are wolves in sheep's clothing. Make sure to analyze those friendships and don't be scared to speak your mind if there's someone in your life that you feel is blocking you from reaching that next level, that better level, that higher level. Don't let the haters or nay sayers prevent you from being the best you that you can be. It's easier to walk away from a negative relationship than to try to repair something that can never be fixed.

Luxury: Four Seasons Maui

2008-03-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't done any post since my beautiful get away to Maui after the Grammys last month. My trip to Maui was exactly what the doctor ordered. Maui is a wonderful place to escape and get away from it all and the Four Seasons resort there is one of the most beautiful resorts in the world. When I say that your every need is pampered and attended to I mean it. They go all out there and make sure that your vacation is truly that. From sunup to sundown they cater to you completely. Of course my next go at Hawaii will be to party but I'll allow Honolulu attend to those needs, but for my relaxation and much needed r&r I'll utilize Maui for all it's worth. Here's to getting your Maui on.

A Quickie: David Gregory Gets Down with Mary J. Blige

2008-02-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

I came across this fun clip of NBC White House Correspondant David Gregory getting down to a live perfomance by Mary J. Blige of her hit single 'Just Fine.' I always thought that David was light hearted and fun but I had no idea he could bust a move. Check out the video and tell me he doesn't kill it with that spin!

Flashback Video: Keith Sweat

2008-02-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

Oooh! I love Keith Sweat and all that whining and begging. His production was off the hook back in the day was some of the best of the New Jack Swing era which he helped to pioneer along with other such as Bobby Brown and Johnny Gill. This is my paternal grandmother's song right here. I remember being a little kid when this first came out and my grandma had just purchased a beautiful brand new luxury car with an unbelievable sound system. At the time this song came out my grandma was in her early 60's and whenever I was in the car with her she'd play this song over and over again. She wore the cassette out so bad that we replaced it three times and finally had to get her the cd.

While visiting her recently, I decided to listen to some music with her since in old age she's become much more of an introverted you have to pull conversations out of her. As soon as I put on this song my grandma's eyes instantly had a sparkle to them and by the end of the song my grandma had a tear come down her cheek. I didn't ask her what's wrong, I allowed her to enjoy her moment. It was one of the most personal moments I've had with my grandma. Thanks Keith.

Quickie: Phyllis Hyman

2008-02-01T02:27:00.000-08:00

I love Phyllis Hyman. Phyllis has been one of my favorites since I was a young kid. I heard Phyllis for the first time at one of my aunt's homes and knew that there was something special about her. My aunt took my to see Phyllis live a few weeks before she took her own life after dealing with depression. Phyllis' beauty and voice have always remained. I must say of performers she was the most down to earth I've seen and have missed her since she departed in 1995.

Diary of a Tired Black Man - Tim Alexander

2008-01-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

Just got done watching Diary of a Tired Black Man! Liked the movie. It's very independent to say the least, but there are a lot of great topics discussed in it. This dialogue that needed to be discussed between African American men and women for quite some time. With the image and role of the black man becoming more and more marginalized it's wondrous to see someone go out to the streets and get the truth. All Black men don't abuse women, leave their children, cheat, or sabotage Black women's progress in getting to the next level.

Without going to much into the movie and what it's about I've included this YouTube.com clip which is a sample of what to expect from the whole movie. Basically it's the story of a married Black couple and the struggles that they go through especially the husband in trying to make his relationship work with his wife who is labeled as an "...angry black woman!"

There are many African American men that not only make taking care of their family and children a priority (like my father), but who also have an active involvement not only in their children's lives, but in the lives of their spouses as well. Growing up I had the benefit of seeing personally Black couples who were in the words of Spike Lee ..."do[ing] the right thing." The Black man's image has been broken down, drug through the mud and back again. It is a whole communities responsibility to shine the light on all the positive Black sons, fathers, nephews, uncles, boyfriends/husbands, and brothers that are out there again doing the right thing. So next time you see one of your African American friends, brothers, fathers, sons et cetera out there doing what they're supposed to. Just tell them keep up the good work.

You Should Vote.....or Die!

2008-01-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

If you're of sound mind and body, over 18 and an American citizen there is no reason why you should not participate in someway in our country's political process. Sean John (as he's known today) had it right with his Vote or Die campaign. Everyone really needs to get out there and ensure your voice is heard. All it takes is one vote. I don't believe in telling people who to vote for make your own choice, but let it be yours. Don't ride the coattails of someone else. Develop your own opinions, know that it's okay to do your own research and realize that you cannot have someone else report to you the facts. Sometimes you have to stop being lazy and get out there and find the information of your own. In the end it's definitely worth it.

Get Your Spiritual On: Dr. Frederick K. C. Price

2008-01-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

Whether you're a Bedside Baptist or a Couch Potato Catholic if you're getting your word, get your word! I love to watch my Dr. Frederick K. C. Price of Ever Increasing Faith Ministries. Dr. Price is one of the best ministers I've scene and his preaching style I equate more to a teacher then a preacher. He breaks down the Bible wondrously and makes it so that you understand every single bit. He resides over Crenshaw Christian Center in Los Angeles and a second church in Manhattan's Upper Westside commonly referred to as CCC East. He's been preaching since before 1969 and has limited his preaching to allow his son the time to shine, but he's definitely someone to check out for words of inspiration. As Dr. Price likes to quote from the Bible "...we walk by faith and not by sight!"

A Moment For: Tyra Banks

2008-01-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

Tyra Banks is doing her thing. I can't be mad at her. She's really maneuvering her way through the entertainment business. I see her going on to become much like Oprah. Producing, Directing, more movies, publishing. I see it all for her. I know her talk show is not getting the ridiculous numbers that Oprah's making but soon! What do you think is next for Tyra?

A Different Mood - Abbey Lincoln

2008-01-26T23:04:00.000-08:00

I love Abbey Lincoln. The former wife of recently deceased jazz drummmer Max Roach, Abbey is one the most accomplished Jazz artist of all time. I love that she writes almost all of her lyrics, arranges the music as well as the vocals. Lincoln has been around forever (that's almost literal). She is honestly like no other, her deep infectious voice is beautiful. I love how she purposely pauses and seems to be just a moment behind the note. Jazz as complicated but Abbey makes it seem effortless. The cd that I recommend if you're an Abbey Lincoln beginner? Check out 'A Turtle's Dream!'

Growing Pains: Mary J. Blige

2008-01-26T17:09:00.000-08:00

Mary's done it again. The production is flawless and you can tell she's been working hard with her vocal coaches to get her sound right! This is a good listen pick it up if you can! My favorite is 'Work That.' Very inspirational song (you know that's Mary's theme now) and gets you going. It's also the second single off the album. To me it's better then 'Fine.' Although I notice that Mary's really falling in love with the hooks again! But oh well. Great album and the video will be released soon and is said to feature Busta Rhymes who appears on a remix of 'Work That.'

Crack Ain't Whack for Ike Turner

2008-01-19T21:23:00.001-08:00

It was reported on the 17th that Ike Turner actually died of cocain overdose. The coroner listed his death as a combination of "cocaine toxicity" and other contributing factors. It was also said that there was drug paraphernalia found near his bedside. Well, what is it with these alleged reformed drug abusers. These people should be tested before they make public statements.

FEEDBACK ON JANET JACKSON

2008-01-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

I've purposely waited to do a post on Janet Jackson's new video. I loved the single when it was released. A lot of my friends said that they didn't like it, but as soon as the video came out everyone loved it. No one said anything about the song, but everyone said that Janet looked great in the video. Which in all honesty she does. she looks amazing. Great body, great fits. The concept of the video is very space odyssey to me. Loved it especially with the Milky Way allusion to an orgasm? Either way I won't get like everyone and say this is Janet's comeback album, because I enjoyed her last two albums whether they were commercial success or not. Well, here's to Janet...

Miss. Mills

2008-01-12T00:28:00.000-08:00

This song is so wonderful! Just brings back memories of being a kid and hearing my parents play this.

Remembering a Pup

2007-12-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

I lost my beloved doggie today. He had recently acquired a stomach infection and couldn't seem to shake it. I found his lifeless body on the floor as I walked in from being gone most of the day doing last minute holiday shopping. A measure of guilt came across me, and I realized there was nothing that I could have done to keep him here a moment longer, I just wish I had been with him when he took his last little breath. Just shy of his 5th birthday he was a joy to me and my family. I am deeply saddened by his passing. My family took it the hardest. My dog had the personality of an actual person (I know people say that about there pets all the time) and the energy of an atlete. He was always on the move. Well, it's still a happy Christmas and I thank God for the moments I got to spend with my lil' Prince.

I Need A Laugh... Do You?

2007-12-16T00:09:00.000-08:00

This show was great. I just wish more people paid attention to the satire in it all.

TO THE FIRST ROCK n' ROLL PERFORMER

2007-12-15T02:06:00.001-08:00

Now y'all know as much as I love Anna Mae Bullock (Tina Turner) I could not the allow the passing of the founder of Rock n' Roll to go unnoticed. Ike Turner is a MUSICAL legend. Don't the movie fool you, Ike was a pioneer in the business that we call entertainment. There wasn't a live show, hotter, greater, sexier, and electrifying as the Ike and Tina Turner Revue. In case you don't know what a revue is let me refresh you; revue: a theatrical production consisting typically of brief loosely connected often satirical skits, songs, and dances . If that ain't some Nutbush City type shit I surely don't know what is. Basically Ike was fire.

Ike Turner's legacy sadly may be that as the poster boy for abusive husbands. Sadly the same way we make our beds is the way we make our peace. The movie What's Love Got To Do With It focused more on Ike as an abusive man and less on his talents as a good musician as well. The movie although successful could have done a better job of describing the Godfather of Rock n' Roll. A man who taught B. B. King a thing or two, a man who was idolized back in the day by some of the best guitarist in the game including Jimi Hendrix and Keith Richards.

Ike Turner is often credited as the first person (ever) to record a Rock n' Roll song. With distorted guitar tunes all around Rocket 88 is something to listen to for a history buff and for anyone who appreciates music. Rocket 88 was so influential and ahead of its time that the self proclaimed originator and emancipator of Rock n' Roll, His Majesty Little Richard borrowed Ike Turner's piano intro on Rocket 88' note for note. I'll drink to Ike Turner this evening, and not because I need a drink like all hell, but because his talent should also be considered when bringing up his name.

Love - More Than A Word

2007-12-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

I like how the heart has become the symbol for love. Probably because it's one of the most important organs in the body (I think they're all important and want all of mine as long as I live, but I digress). My belief is that you cannot allow your heart to always control the way you feel when it comes to loving someone, and caring about them. Your heart will sometimes lead you in a direction that you shouldn't go. That's why I like to love and and think with my brain before my heart. If you're ever trying to let someone go start thinking with your brain and not your heart. Your brain is the better judge of character, your heart will lead you to what feels comfortable and to those who may feign a love for you. Remember actions speak louder than words, and your heart doesn't care about actions - it's waiting for those words. Don't get caught up.

Lupe Fiasco 'Superstar'

2007-12-04T00:50:00.001-08:00

If Lupe Fiasco's leading single Superstar from his album 'The Cool' is a proper gauge for the album then it will definitely gonna be outrageous. This song is sleek and melodic sample of a Daft Punk song (aren't they inspiring a lot of Hip-Hop?). I love it, it reminds me of that early 90's vibe that you got from a lot of the European supergroups like Massive Attack and the Pet Shop Boys.

Matthew Santos' voice is chilling on this track. He is so on point and deserves great credit for singing one of the best hooks in recent Hip-Hop. His voice is a cross between Bono and Sting with a soulful edge to it if you can imagine. He blends well into the song and enhances the trance that the synth beats give.

Lupe's cd is slated to drop on the Tuesday, 18 Decmeber 2007. That's one that I will be getting the day that it drops and just for this song. But, from what I've heard thus far from people this cd is scheduled to be a breath of fresh air for true Hip-Hop connoisseurs.

MICHAEL JACKSON - WIGGING OUT!

2007-12-03T17:38:00.001-08:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but I thought Michael Jackson on the cover of Ebony last month was sensational. Is he not wearing the shit out of that lace front wig like he's Beyonce! lol It was good to see him looking a little less Captain Crunch and much more regal! After all he is the King of Pop...still.

Weekend Chill

2007-12-02T12:13:00.001-08:00

Sitting here relaxing and listening to Toni. I love this cd. One of her best, but of course she doesn't get out there and promote her stuff like she should and gets that Michael Jackson syndrome that the record company's not doing enough. But I love this cd nonetheless.

Eating cake in the South of France! Happy Birthday Tina!

2007-11-26T00:56:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that today we celebrate the 68th birthday of a music legend. Tina, by far one of my favorites has proven to us what positive thinking and perserverance can do for you. Truly a rags to riches story of one of the greatest degrees. Who would of thought that after leaving her svengali husband she would be able to set out on her own and start all over. Would you stay or would you go???

From a life of picking cotton to a life of fur coats and jewels to a life of nothing, mopping floors with government assistance, to a life of private jets and villas in the South of France and Switzerland. If anyone deserves to be celebrated as a artist that has triumphed and fought all odds to remarket herself a success it's the Queen of Rock and Roll...and honestly Soul. Sorry Aretha this video does prove that.

The One that Got Away?

2007-06-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

I think for most of us we have that one person who we look back fondly on and say to ourselves, "...if only." I have that special someone in my heart and mind and I think about them daily. This person is honestly one of my best friends, probably biggest ally, and constant source of uplifting and support. I do on many occasions think about what it would be like if I hadn't brokeup with them or if we got back together how it would be. In all honesty it seems like sometimes we never brokeup. Our love for each other hasn't changed, and it seems like our bond grew stronger once we did breakup.

We didn't breakup for the usual things that people breakup over, ours was over having physically moved away from each other. Our breakup was actually quite well. We talked on the phone everyday after, constantly E-mailed each other when we were busy, and always made sure to be aware of each others needs emotionally, always offering support and comfort to each other. It's actually quite a beautiful thing.

I must say that you raised the bar for me when it comes to what I expect from someone that's interested in me and who I am interested. You are the scale to which I weigh the likelihood of being with a potential suitor. What I have found is that there will be no way to duplicate what we had, but in my heart I keep the beautiful memories that you and I share. And when we talk and toy with the idea of being back together my mind flutters with thoughts of finally being in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been....with you.

You're the most beautiful person I've ever been with, and that will never change. Being with you made me discover how you have to work at what you want and truly hangon to those that you love. As we slowly make our way into a new chapter and possibly together, I take a moment here to thank you for being the most thoughtful, caring, and beautiful person I've known. You are the best and may you continue to grow and find success in all that you do. I love you Kai.